I’ve been thinking about cheating a lot lately. Not on anyone in particular, but on the subject of it you understand. A few months ago, I came across this article about infidelity websites, which are, for those of you who don’t know, dating sites where people in long-term relationships/marriages sign up with the sole intention of having an affair.
I don’t mind admitting that when I first read about this, I almost did a mini-sick. Put simply, I find the whole concept disgusting, but my curiosity got the better of me so I did a little digging. I signed up to the biggy, a site called ashelymadison.com – their motto is ‘life is short have an affair’ and they unashamedly advocate adultery. I hate that I’ve just given them publicity, but I sort of have to.
I joined their site as an attached woman seeking an attached man and vice-versa, I then got chatting to some folk looking for adulterous fun. Needless to say that within a few messages the tone was lowered to some pretty salacious depths. Did it turn me on? Absolutely not. Did it make me laugh my ass off? You betcha!
But not for long. Very quickly, the topic of our respective ‘situations’ arose. This is where it gets pretty sad. My fictional husband (Mark, 6ft, blue eyes, sporty, amazing) spent too much time at the office and I barely saw him. I also registered as a guy whose fictional wife (Chloe, can’t say I even know what she looks like) could no longer satisfy him in the bedroom.
I went in with these stories prepped, but always asked the other person about their circumstances before volunteering information, since I did not want to influence their responses. Interestingly, I found that my fictional backstories fit in pretty well. Almost every time, the scenarios that I had created, were the ones which people put to me as their own as well.
In addition to learning about people’s motivation to join the site, I also found that I became hugely sceptical of the numbers being associated with sites like this. In light of the Independent article, I was expecting to be overwhelmed by the responses I received. This was not the case.
I told a buddy of mine what I was doing, which led to a discussion on the subject of why guys in particular cheat. He’s a trader with a wife and a beautiful son - you can bet your ass he’s shagging his secretary, so I trust him as an authority on this subject. He stated that in his opinion, there are three types of guys.
Guy 1 – The shit
This is a guy who thinks that as long as it’s only sex, then it doesn’t count as cheating. He probably will always be unfaithful, in a physical capacity at the very least. (Needless to say, my trader pal falls into this camp.)
Guy 2 – The miserable fellow
This is a guy who had no intention of cheating, but over time if left in a stale relationship where he gets whined at to within an inch of his life, when presented with an opportunity to be unfaithful, ends up taking it.
Guy 3 – The decent bloke
There are some guys who don’t/can’t/ won’t cheat. It sounds like I’m kidding myself, but I know that they exist. I’ve met them. Sure they fancy other women, sure they think about sex with other women, but they also like and respect the girl on their arm and realise that it’s not worth the bother to mess it up. They are a rare breed indeed.
Having given it a lot of thought, I reckon he’s got it pretty well figured out as far as menfolk are concerned. That said, it would be quite easy to lay the blame chiefly at the door of the dudes. After all, everyday there seems to be some footballer in the paper who’s done the dirty on his Mrs. I’d just like to point out though that these celebrities aren’t sleeping with themselves. Girls, whilst motivated by different reasons, can be just as immoral as guys.
Affairs happen - always have, always will. In my mind though, it’s one thing to make a mistake and find yourself in a position where you end up cheating. It’s a whole other ball game to actively seek to betray someone. The latter is altogether inexcusable – which is why I have such a problem with these websites.
I know you should never say never (blah, blah, blah) but I am certain that I won’t ever have an affair. I’m also pretty confident that the person I shack up with wont either. Naïve? Not really. I’m fully aware that he and for that matter, I, will have the opportunity to get it on with someone else. I’m also aware that we’ll both have a choice about what we do when faced with that situation. I think the difference (aside from degrees of intoxication) is that I know it’s important to a. settle with someone you find funny, kind and fun and b. understand that you have to make an effort to keep the other person happy.
When I was on Ashleymadision, I found that most people felt neglected or bored with their current partner. Therein lays the answer. Relationships if they’re to last, require effort. Instead of spending time and money on these sites, I’d advise that these people invested time on their relationship. Put simply, my response is ‘life is short, don’t be a t*@t’.
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